Lies Fundamentalism Told Me.

I apologize in advance for the poor format of this post. I have a lot on my mind this evening. Consider this a "purge."

I haven't been to my home church in almost a year. There are still many good, God-loving people there and I love them dearly. However, fundamentalism, as a whole, has shaken me to my core in recent months. As I look back on my youth and young adult life in fundamentalism, I see things now that bother me so, so much. I think it may help me process if I can write about them here. Again, I feel it necessary to reiterate that there are many wonderful, godly, honest people in fundamentalist churches all across the country and I certainly mean no disrespect to them in any fashion. I just need to get some things off my chest.

Growing up, I saw the "presence of God" show up at nearly every service of any given campmeeting in several different states. I saw God's people give thousands of dollars - even saw my own father give money that was meant for getting us home the next day - to a cause that was being promoted as worthy. They knew how to conjure up the Holy Spirit - and how to make sure you knew the difference between the Holy Spirit and the Charismatic "holyghost." We also saw preachers' wives put their very expensive jewelry into the offering plate during service and sneak it out of the offering plate in the dining hall after they had raised enough money to pay for all the celebrity preachers' plane tickets and rental cars. I saw "men of God" promote "courting" over "dating" while they were sleeping with their teenage church volunteers. We heard, "You can get by with almost anything - as long as you're not stealing their money and screwing their women" said by men who were caught doing both within six months of the statement.

Fundamentalism told me a lot of lies growing up. The longer I look at it from the outside, the more lies I see. (Again, a note clarifying that when I say "fundamentalism" I do not mean my parents. My parents were very temperate when it came to issues of "the church" and we weren't very good Independent Baptists. They raised my brother and I as well as they possibly could have with the information they had available to them at the time. My father and I speak on these issues regularly and there is no animosity or judgment on my behalf toward my parents for my exposure to these issues. In fact, in spite of all the emotional turmoil, I have to thank fundamentalism for my becoming a much clearer thinker. I don't think I'd be so passionate about the things that I hold dear if it weren't for some of the experiences I had inside the "movement."

Fundamentalism told me I'd be a better wife if I kept my virginity until my wedding night. They lied. I got married far before I was ready so we wouldn't "burn with lust" and I could earn my white wedding dress. I was a terrible wife. I married a person who was a terrible husband. They made me feel like I had to stay in an emotionally unhealthy, psychologically damning relationship because God didn't believe in divorce. They lied. Divorce isn't the unpardonable sin. Saying divorce is sin is like saying getting cancer is a sin. Or that burying a dead body is a sin. Divorce happens when a marriage falls apart. Death happens when a body falls apart. My marriages (yes, there were two) were not what God had planned for me for the long haul. He has used situations that arose from my mistakes for good, but ending those relationships was the only thing that saved my life. After two very challenging marriages that ended with my battling crippling anxiety and being medicated with SSRI's, I pulled myself together, got an education, learned how to deal with my anxiety without medication (THANK GOD!) and learned to think for myself. Fundamentalism told me that anxiety wasn't real and that people who battled with depression just needed to "get right with God." Fundamentalism didn't give my mother the tools she needed to process her childhood abuse. It doesn't give anyone the support and grace needed to overcome such challenges. In fact, in many cases, it covers up and protects the abusers - then points the finger at the Catholic church for behaving the same way.

Fundamentalism told me I was born to follow a man and have children and never get "educated out of my good sense." They lied. I received my Bachelor's Degree in Behavioral Science in December 2010. That was probably the beginning of the end for my relationship with fundamentalism. I spent 4 years learning about life, learning critical thinking skills that challenged things I'd always believed to be true without proof. I met many people from many walks of life who loved God just as much as I did even if they came from a different tradition. I'd always been warned to guard against "ecumenical movements" and a lack of "convictions." Judging was an art form and the more judgmental you were, the closer to God you were deemed to be. I don't see this outlined anywhere in Scripture. I suffered from multiple pulmonary emboli in June 2010 that could have easily claimed my life. Doctors now tell me I shouldn't have any surgery that isn't absolutely necessary, nor should I get pregnant because of the complications that are likely to occur. Fundamentalism would probably tell me that I'm being punished for the sins of my youth. They'd be lying about that, too.

I lost my mom in February 2011. Shortly after, when my family was at it absolute lowest point, many of the "holy brethren" kicked my father in the teeth for having nerve enough to pastor a small church and play country and southern rock music with a little band (that never accepted gigs in bars, mind you.) Reeling from the loss of my mother and the staggering blow he'd been dealt by the brethren who were allegedly his friends, he resigned the church. In the months since those losses, I've come to see the true colors of so many. It isn't pretty. Racism and bigotry and lack of character or integrity seem more important than love, joy, peace, long suffering, meekness, gentleness. I've attempted to realign my life with the things that Jesus emphasized - rather than the things that Baptists emphasize. Treating people fairly, loving my neighbors (even the ones I don't agree with) accepting people as they are and realizing that we might not have it all figured out.

I realize now how much life I missed out on by wearing these blinders. I lost touch with one of my dearest friends when he came out and his family cast him out. Thank GOD we were brought back together again in 2008. I firmly believe now that sexual orientation is absolutely not a preference and that issues of orientation and gender identity are things far more complex than the average pastor is capable of counseling on. I do not believe you can "pray away the gay" and I don't believe God is going to send someone to Hell based on their genetic makeup. I no longer believe that "gay Christian" is an oxymoron and I refuse to believe that my gay brothers and sisters must choose between a life in Christ and a life with a partner who makes them feel complete.

I married the man of my dreams and my very best friend in January 2012. He is my partner in life and I am not his footstool. He treats me as equal and we have a wonderful life together. He and I are probably viewed with pity by the fundamentalists, but I can't be sure. I've never asked their opinions. Truth be told, I enjoy our talks about God and faith and religion and politics far more than I ever enjoyed a Sunday school class.

I have changed my beliefs on many issues over the past few years. I have not lost my faith in God and in fact, I feel my personal walk with God is stronger now than it ever was when I was on a church pew 3 times a week. I do not expect everyone to agree with me - but I do expect those who claim Christ to stop using their interpretation of Scripture as a weapon. I wish they could see how harmful their brand of Christianity has become. My generation isn't leaving fundamentalism because the world is enticing us. We're leaving because the hate and hypocrisy projected from pulpits across the nation is revolting.

It's time for an awakening.

Relationship Status

As I sit having my coffee this chilly morning,  dreading going outside, my mind is set on religious labels. I used to have more adjectives to describe my walk of faith than "Carter had little liver pills," as my granddad used to say.

As I grew up, both physically and spiritually I realized that those labels did nothing for my walk with God or my influence on this planet. They seemed only as a way to fence God's children into pre-approved boxes. To place us in groups of like-minded souls for camp-meetings, youth camps, conferences,  etc.  I realized - I hate camping and I didn't like how I was isolated from so many other segments of society. We were told to live in such a way so that the "world" would want to be like us...to see they were missing something. That's fine. But what they were missing many times wasn't a personal, spiritual relationship with their Creator. Many times it was racism, bigotry, idolatry and man-worship. It was staged encounters of the masses with the Holy Spirit instead of that still, small voice Scripture teaches.

While I still hold to some of the doctrinal beliefs of my upbringing - the labels have fallen away. I embrace those who aren't just like me because we are all in this together. I doubt the next life has neighborhoods segregated by race or denomination or sexual orientation so I'd rather not waste the days of this life being closed off from the rest of God's children.

Tell me your story. Do you still follow the traditions of your upbringing?  Have you ever converted to another denomination or another faith entirely?  What brought you there?

What is your current relationship status with God and the church? 

I am in a serious relationship with God because of Jesus. I am learning each day to trust Him a bit more and fret about religion a bit less.

I love James 1:27 from The Message. I will leave you with this. "Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

Have a great day. Be someone's reason to smile.